How this so-called negative emotion can help reduce negativity
I read this powerful quote by the amazing meditation teacher, Sharon Salzberg. She said:
Why are you rehearsing that?
As in, out of two possible outcomes, why are you rehearsing the worst?
If we believe what the Buddha taught, that what we think, we become, then without mindfulness, the negative what-ifs; the fear-based worst-case-scenario thinking becomes a rehearsal of how to survive what we don’t want – thereby increasing its chances of “manifesting” in reality.
Being pragmatic and having contingency plans is wise, to a point.
But the brain’s negativity bias would rather have us loiter in the realm of catastrophe than the realm of amazing good fortune.
So, how can we work with this negativity bias?
It takes more than just spouting a few positive affirmations to allay this entrenched evolutionary instinct.
In some instances, it requires us to look deep within and listen to the messages beneath one of our most illuminating emotions:
Shame.
How shame helps level the mind’s negativity bias
Shame is the emotion that helps us live up to the standards, ethics, or morals we have set for ourselves – or that others have set for us.
In terms of rehearsing the worst, it may be soaring standards or outdated ethics that are preventing us from rehearsing the best.
It may be shame telling us we don’t deserve this, we’re not worthy of that, and who do you think you are, exactly?
This is where the digging comes in. This is where we do, at the risk of you rolling your eyes – “the work”.
This is where we can ask of ourselves:
What standards or behaviours have I agreed to abide by, and are they mine, or did I unwittingly inherit them from society because of my gender, race, age, status – or because I prefer cats to dogs every day of the week?
Examining our shame contracts
When I first started teaching meditation I had to do the deep work of examining the many shame “contracts” that I didn’t even realise were there.
One of them was around money.
- Who do you think you are charging money for meditation?
- What makes you so special you can ask people to pay you to teach them, especially when they can get it for free, and what’s more, by an actual bonafide monk?
- How can you charge money for meditation when likely the people who need it the most have little means to pay for it?
Sometimes we need to work with others to help us unravel our own caged perspectives.
Various friends, teachers and coaches helped me see that:
- Monks may not charge a fee for their guidance but there’s often another value exchange expected, whether by Dana (donation), time, or deed.
- Monks may be revered for their expertise, sacrifice, and selflessness, but the cultural veiling that comes with it is off-putting for many and that’s where I can step in.
- I was already giving away meditation freely through articles and guided recordings posted on my website and Insight Timer.
By working with and through my shame, I was able to stop rehearsing the worst: that I’m selfish and a fraud and no one will ever pay money for my work…
To rehearsing the best: I have a gift to share that resonates with and helps others, and in our society, money is the preferred exchange of value by many.
So, what catastrophe are you rehearsing at the moment, and can you start the deep conversation with shame to get you to a place where you can authentically rehearse the best?
I’d say now go, meditate on that.
